yobech505

Occurrences occur.  Like, Duh.  I suppose what I mean is, things happen, and according to some esoteric sources, they do so for a purpose.  Karma is often expunged as a reason, the source of why good or bad which plagues or enhances our day to day explains us facing what we do.  Does it go further, or deeper, delving into our past and making our entire life a constant puzzling inquiry of;  why is this happening?  

I’m an expert in this field only as far as my own experiences allow me to be.

I was, often times, not a very good person in some of my actions.  In fact, today, some of the things I did, though not openly frowned on back then, would probably be grounds for dire consequences or even worse.  The late teens, early twenties saw a few of those occurrences occur.  I knew it then, but didn’t believe myself, and still,  in some of my shallow depth,I was aware.  They weren’t illegal.  They were just wrong.  

Is the karma just that my consciousness still haunts me and wishes I could undo the behavior in those events?  Is it any less than the wishful undoing of the impact I may have, for the long term, inflicted on another?

How far away is the balance that is supposed to be included in this chain of beliefs?  It was afterwards, yes, but my experiences in Vietnam were often horrible and definitely, at least twice, physically painful.  Again, that was after.  So was it meant to offset the me I hadn’t wanted to be but was? Sure didn’t appear to be the case.

I can blame PTSD for why my first marriage fell apart.  I tried covering it up, ever the jokester, the happy one, ready with a pat on the back and a friendly word to those who I felt needed it.  But my insides were smashed.  The eventual and occasional breakouts left jobs, relationships and three beautiful offsprings in a chaotic mess.  I never wanted any of it.  Then came Ft. Miley   And friends  Thanks.  I found a way out of that dilemma.  They led me past the karma of being a rifleman in a hostile place where the consequences to those who loved my opponent paid the painful price of memories, probably more than I did for the friends I lost.  No, the guilt never goes away, but the wounds are soothed.  I was trained on how to deal with it   

Yet, I still carry a sense of trauma for who I tried not to be up to that departure point.  And this is really about that karmic interlude.   It is all on me.  And for reasons well beyond what I am willing to admit, it lingers. 

 No longer able to blame it on the same pretense as the first time, the second attempt, which I expected would last through and well beyond the coming of Destiny’s Child and Beyonce’s incredible impact on R&B, turned out to be an abject attempt at karmic futility.  Yes, the begating of two remarkable better versions of me was and is an ongoing highlight, and I’ve taught them well, wisdom from what I have grown from and to.  But the disappointment and betrayal of my hopes for the long term kind of pushed into view my revenged upon karma, at least in my mind.  So, was this finally the balancing point?

If only memory chips didn’t linger and pop up again. I would hope she’s past it, and is stronger than I am in her recollections. I never seem to stop wishing I could undo the whole thing and the negativity of the memories that go with it. That, of course, is what is referred to as an impossibility.  I beg forgiveness, but I don’t expect it.  I’ve learned, and in those respects, have grown.  Fortunately, I was eventually drawn into a cauldron where I was able to see, then help others who faced some version, usually much more traumatic, of what she experienced. I could help them see a way out because, to a slightly comparative degree, I was a reformed nemesis.   I was able to help guide most of them to an exit, at least so far. Does that lead to a restful leveling point?

I’ll just have to wait and see what the continuing karma has in store next.