Unmarried now for eleven years. Dabbing at relationships here and there but never in hot pursuit. I only blab for myself and I am a light weight pursuer determined to make my intentions clear from the start. I ponder.
Raised two sons on my own for those years. Enjoyed it, became it, and lived it. A single dad, living a single life that I was betrothed towards, and that was seeing that my sons made it through the tangle of the teen, middle and high school years. It allowed the visitors who happened to step into my path to hang out, but that is as extensive as it got. And when they said too much, I skipped through the haunted forest to my own secret hideaway in the woods, just behind my emotions.
I’m just not worth it, or so I tell myself. Not the material of ‘let’s hang out all night in our jammys, ‘(or start that way) and…er, no. I explained it. I went over it in the details of the pre spend the night conversations. She followed with her tag, ‘I feel the same way’. Durnitall. That didn’t last long. Them; they feel I am worth it? Now, where did they get that idea?
I question my own relationship stability. My boat rocks so far to each side in threatening to capsize, and the sea sick patrons who look at me and should say what I think they are thinking, don’t. Did I error in what I supposed was their thought processes? I must have. I am the only one who questions it? Serious enough? I appear to be the only one who questions me, my ability to sustain a duoship, and how long it will allow a dual collaboration. I love friends, amigos, hang out with me folks. I have no idea where to go with a lover. I don’t seem to be able to decide if that is a compass point I even want to direct my emotions towards. Do they see me as worth it? Do they need psychiatric help? Our visions of who I am and who they think, or hope, I am are going in different directions, with me on the starboard tack so I have the right of way. Collisions happen despite an attempt to follow the rules.
Who can tell people how to feel? How many people do I know who have control of their emotional crashes? There ain’t many, I am pretty secure in determining. But why me? I don’t see it, even within my own emotional and tractable construction site. Yet they do.
At this subway station in my life’s adventure, I am exiting the train. When it stops on the return route, I have no inkling of whether or not I will get on. I just don’t know. If she knows when she’ll board, I won’t even attempt to keep her from letting the doors close behind her and finding a seat. If I am on board, I will give her mine, unless they’re all taken and we are standing in the center aisle. At least for the present voyage. Next trip, who the hell knows?
I don’t want to leave an impact that is so big it can’t be detoured around. It leaves too emotional a crater that takes too damn long to fill. I don’t like burdening others, emotionally or physically. The punched factor is too much. Hence, I develop my own version of polar opposition. The problem with that is that it only protects me. Selfish, perhaps? See the first phrase of the third paragraph.
Advisory: Wear your hard hat and have a back up plan. I am not a runner, but when I am walking along side of the other person, and the situation appears more scary than what I feel it should be, the distance between us will probably increase. It’s me. It has nothing to do with ‘personal’.
Durnitall n, v, p Darn it all Duoship n twosome relationship
yobech505 