yobech505

Dodge the Dodge

Made up word for the day:  avoidination:  verb/adv:  (a  voy  din‘â shun) .  The act of avoiding, staying away from someone or something.  

            I have absolutely no desire to see her.  None.  Not that I would mind seeing her, as it still sends a small pulse of electricity to my heart, causing it to accelerate and ache a little.  It’s when she leaves, of course, that the gobbled up pieces of me end up in the garbage disposal.

            I go out of my way to avoid contact.  I don’t want to see her car, her kids (whom I adore),  the turn off  to her place, none of it.  I make sure I’m driving on the same road she drives on at a time when she has no chance of being there.

            Severed, cut, no connection.  I don’t want her to exist in my life.  I want to pretend she never did.  At least that’s the impression I want the ‘child me’ to have.   The older, but not wiser ‘brat me’ thinks he knows better, is a bully and pushes child me around.  So child me whines, complains and snivels at everything the brat me allows to happen.

            So I beat the hell out of my electro impulses and try to convince them that they are the reason for my problem and it is up to them to forget, which they will not, nay, cannot do.  Brat me loves to tease the hell out of child me, who is really too vulnerable to know better, as thus suffers the self imposed and self felt undulations of yuck.

            It’s a rather awkward way to spend a day, but not beyond the capable brain cells.  As Buddha knows, avoidination of all that she was, or is, or even might have been is a rather unreal attainability.  So it has become unconscious, something I now do without thinking, a reaction brought on without any stimulation, visual, mental or physical.

            It is easily applicable, in this macro second, to see that it puts me in control.  Now I can see her whenever I want to, not when she wants.  Which, of course, is rather on the ignorant side on my part, as she doesn’t care whether she sees me or not.  Oh Yeah!  But it’s the psychological advantage it gives me, as sense of some sort of management over what happened. Delusions of the illusion of power!

            So, it is as plain as the dry spot on the outside of a submarine at 500 feet; it gives me absolutely no authority on the situation itself, but more like imaginary domination of a rapport that she’s been in charge of since the beginning.

            Avoidance maneuvers. The elusive male creature hides so successfully from the female, who in her quest to ‘find herself’, poses about as much threat to him as fly piss does to the Grand Canyon.

            On a final note, It’s not a Dodge, it’s a Chrysler